Some
things to think about if you are thinking of coming out:
- Assess the existing
level of closeness and/or conflict in the relationship. The closer you
are, the more other person may try to understand and accept.
- Consider the amount
of contact you have with this person. The more contact you have, the
more apt they are to have a positive or at least neutral response.
- Think about the
various types of support offered by this relationship-emotional, cultural,
financial, spiritual, etc.-and determine the availability of other relationships
in which there may be similar support.
- Analyze as best
you can the benefits and risks of coming out based on the anticipated
response of that individual.
Helpful ideas to
remember:
- Siblings tend to
be more positive than parents.
- If the relationship
was positive prior to coming out, there is even greater potential for
a positive response.
- Anticipate how
you would manage the situation if the person reacts negatively.
- Pick a time when
the person is likely to be supportive. Try to be aware of what is going
on in their lives.
- Be prepared for
a wide range of reactions.
- Remember how long
it has taken for you to come to terms with your orientation. They have
just found out.
- If you choose to
come out to someone in an authority position, find out about the confidentiality
policy governing their profession. In the public schools, some counselors
and teachers may be required to share information.
- Seek support from
community-based resources and check out on-line coming out support resources
at the:
1. Human Rights Campaign
Coming Out Project at www.hrc.org/documents/resourceguide_co.pdf
2. The Institute for Welcoming Resources Coming Out Project of the National
Lesbian and Gay Task Force at
www.welcomingresources.org/comingout.htm
3. Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays at www.pflag.org
Some things to
think about if someone comes out to you:
The response which
a person who is LGBT receives after they have come out may help them feel
comfortable with their identity and make it easier for them to come out
to others in the future. How you react to their disclosure of their sexual
orientation or gender identity can help them out of the closet - or keep
them in. Remember they probably chose to come out to you for a reason:
- They may have chosen
to come out to you because you are a close friend or family member,
and they want to have an honest and genuine relationship with you.
- They may feel you
are a person who will be understanding and accepting, and so trust you
with this very personal information.
- They may decide
to come out to you before they really know you, in order to establish
an honest relationship from the beginning.
- They come out to
you because you are in a position to assist them with a concern, determine
their access to certain resources, or address policies which impact
their life.
LGBT people have told
us what helps and what hurts when they make the decision to come out,
especially in a family or close friend setting. Although these suggestions
were developed with parents and family members of LGBT people in mind,
they can be applied to a friend or anyone who cares about LGBT people:
| Do
listen to what your friend’s or loved one’s life is like, and what
kind of experiences they have had in the world. |
Don’t
insist that your morality is the right one. |
| Do take the time
to seek information about the lives of LGBT people from parents of
LBGT people, friends or your loved one, literature, and, most of all,
directly from your friend or loved one. |
Don’t blame your
own feelings on your friend or loved one. |
| Do help your
friend or loved one set individual goals, even though these may differ
drastically from your own. |
Don’t rush the
process of trying to understand your loved one’s gender identity. |
| Do accept that
you are responsible for your own negative reactions. |
Don’t assume
that your friend or loved one should see a professional counselor. |
| Do try to develop
trust and openness by allowing your friend or loved one to choose
their own life. |
Don’t criticize
your friend or loved one for being different. |
| Do defend your
friend or loved one against discrimination. |
Don’t discriminate
against your friend or loved one. |
| Do tell your
friend or loved one that you care about them as you always have. |
Don’t try to
break up loving relationships. |
|
